- If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
- If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
- No one looks good in a yarmulke.
- Gentiles leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never
- Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
- Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
- Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
- Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
- According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only
in Chinese restaurants.
- Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
- Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
- 2.4 miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital is equal to one I. V. League
- 1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microScope
- Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
- 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling
equals 1 light year
- 1/2 large intestine = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
- 1/2 bath = 1 demijohn
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1 million million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
- 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
- 365.25 days = 1 Unicycle
- 500 millionaries = 1 seminary
- 10 cards = 1 decacards
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
- 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
- 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
- As Adlai Stevenson once said: "Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them."
- The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Steven Wright jokes
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of
- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
- I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said,
"What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
- I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
- I had amnesia once or twice.
- The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
- You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the
mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
- If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan
- When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A
little old lady had to help me across the street.
- If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?
- Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually ...
- Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
- I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
- I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch
light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
- There aren't enough days in the weekend.
- If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
- The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
- In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with
a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
- I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly
the prescription ran out.
- When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age
in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be
- You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to
the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the
- I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
- If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
- It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd
just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
- I wrote a few children's books ... not on purpose.
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there,
the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
- I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She
said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything
- There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty
people were trapped on the escalators.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier ... I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I installed a skylight in my apartment ... The people who live above
me are furious!
- One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash
on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty
pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my
- I have a microwave fireplace in my house ... The other night I laid
down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
- Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity ... If you
wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you
wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I
wasn't going to be out that long ..."
- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe
everything I read."
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone ... when I came back the
entire area was missing.
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
- I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's
just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
- I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway
instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear
this rumbling noise go by.
- What do batteries run on?
- There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in
the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later
I can ask him what he meant.
- I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
- I'm kinda tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
- You can't have everything ... where would you put it?
- The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine
how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
- In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette
wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
- I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After
a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
- I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
- If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
- I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
- My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks
he can get me five.
- I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles." That's pretty big. Some people must
be really tired.
- The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour,
who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted
line. He caught every other fish.
- When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for
five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
- Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
- If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of
- When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't
afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
- Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the
top one away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon
called a yellow?
- Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when
you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said,"No," she said,
"Okay, then forget it."
- I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be
gone. I said, "The whole time."
- Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
- Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
- I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
thanks - I'm not going that far."
- I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door
- When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman
talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
- So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything
in my house is shiny.
- I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
- "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
- I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when
I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther,
trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'
- I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
- I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
- Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
- Why are they called apartments if they are all stuck together?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
- Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- How does the guy with the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to
- You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if
the package says "Open somewhere else?"
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
- Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
- Why do people need a lot of money when they don't have any time to
- Why do we need clothes when the world is full of naked kings?
- Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to
do on a rainy Saturday afternoon?
- Why do we call this planet earth when it is 90% water?
- I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
- When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
- One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been
done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
- I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
- I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at
- I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was
- Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns
up my radio every time I park?
- When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have
any toy train schedules?"
- One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
- I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
- A wino asked me for change ... I gave him my shirt.
- Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.
- I took a baby shower.
- How young can you die of old age?
- If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
- I can levitate birds. No one cares.
- I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the
- My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's
- Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your
two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
- My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has
to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
- I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify ..." I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
- I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help
you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really
like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me
- Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a
#3 for 28 bucks.
- I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."
- I bought a cheap piece of land ... It was on someone else's property.
- The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
- Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around
and sang Happy Birthday.
- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough
sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays
- I intend to live forever So far, so good.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
- Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll
have to catch up.
- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just
don't have film.
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barmaid says "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
- A sandwich walks into a bar. The barmaid says, "Sorry, we don't
serve food in here."
- Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
- A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this
taste funny to you?"
- Doc, I can't stop singing, 'The green, green grass of home'." "That
sounds like 'Tom Jones syndrome'." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Room service? Send up a larger room.
- Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
- A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
- You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad
to get rid of it.
- A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
- Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- I must say that I find television very educational. The minute
somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
- I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
- If I held you any closer, I would be on the other side of you.
- It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
- Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor which is probably
more than she ever did.
- Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for
divorce and so will my wife.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read.
- Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
- Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
- California vintners in Napa Valley that primarily produces
Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio have developed a new hybrid grape that acts
as an anti-diuretic which will reduce the number of trips an older
person has to make to the bathroom during the night. They will be
marketing the new wine as Pinot More.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
- We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- A calendar's days are numbered.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
- She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- It's not that the woman did not know how to juggle, she just didn't have the balls to do it.
- The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
- I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Updated 4 January 2014.
- Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
- Man who run in front of car get tired.
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
- Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
- It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
- Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
- Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
- What is a physicist's favorite food? Fission chips.
- Why did Erwin Schrodinger, Paul Dirac and Wolfgang Pauli work in very small garages? Because they were quantum mechanics.